sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
