My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
