He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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