checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Still dying that you shit outside
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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