I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you inspire me to be a worse person
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
