Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."