I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
no you cant smoke seaweed
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday