you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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