the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
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I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.