She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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