you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just found puke in my bra..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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