dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I party with great urgency now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
