I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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