Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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