i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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