saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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