I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
