ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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