Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
