sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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