when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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