My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I miss vodka workout Fridays
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
