Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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