I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
FUCK WHALES
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