Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
