Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
