i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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