So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
