Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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