Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
