Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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