My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
