then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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