theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
