I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
