Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
