wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
