Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
