Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
