I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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