I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So apparently I’m into choking now
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
