How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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