i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
