His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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