Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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