I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
