I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
