My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
