Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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