My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
