I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
