Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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