Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
