what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
