walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
