I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
