Hey man sorry I got all grabby
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
