9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
