take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I have tasted many bathrooms
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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