Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
