I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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