i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
